Makomed's Weblog

To Those I’ve Pissed Off Recently

Posted on: September 28, 2009

I AM NOT EVIL. I’M JUST SELFISH

To the people I have pissed off:

I am getting older. As such, I am aware that I am a fallible human being. Who you thought was your friend, confidant, or lover is not who I purport to be. Years of abuse from the military, heinous betrayals from family members, and disastrous attempts at relationships have dealt irrevirsible blows to my social skills.

I am damaged goods.

What this means to you is that the unbelievable, wretched things Howie has done means that yes–he has the capacity to make you miserable. Why are you so surprised by that??? What you also need to know is that he doesn’t mean to do it. If you could be a fly on the wall you wouldn’t see me in my room hatching up intricate plans to destroy your life or tie you up to the train tracks like Lilian Gish. I am messed up in the head, but I’m not a sociopath.

In my nearly thirty years on this planet I’ve finally FINALLY discovered that having too many expectations of other people can ruin your life. If you expected me to do something and I didn’t come through it’s not from a lack of trying on my part.

I care about my friends. To this point, I will skew my perceptions, bend my schedule, tax my body, or swallow my pride in the hopes of proving my love for you. I relish the opportunities you give me in order to strengthen our friendship. But you should not expect me to make you my priority at every second of the day. If I ever meet someone worthy of that, I will marry him. But unless I am down on my knees proposing to you (or accepting your proposal), then please don’t demand that.

Let’s all be realistic! The old adage “you can’t please everyone” bears intense weight to my modus operandi. True, a person who goes around hoping to make everybody happy has a foolish purpose, but I also believe that a person who never tries–not even on occasion–is a pariah. I don’t want to be the monster isolated in the tower, flinching at the torches thrown at him like in a Mary Shelley novel. We are social beings and we rely on each other to survive.

So please… yourself. Make yourself happy, even to the point of being a little selfish once in a while. Live life the way you want to, by doing things that you like. Note that this also involves doing things that may make you unhappy for a little while in order to get what you want in the long run–which is the definition of maturity. Don’t waste precious time poring over why I did this or that and analyzing my behavior.

Once you accept these nuggets of backward logic, you’ll realize that the stupid shit I pull on you have become trivial and erroneous. If you can do this, I will rip my heart open and trip over myself a thousand times over to try to please you because I will know that my efforts will be appreciated, regardless of whether or not I succeed. This reasoning stems from the observation that people are naturally fickle.

I am just trying to live my life in the hopes of minimizing regrets when I’m lying on my deathbed. Somewhere in between that, I am also trying to make a connection with you and hoping that I don’t piss you off. But if I have, I will do my darndest to stop it from happening again or you should lower your expectations and just get over it. I promise that you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

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